Monday, December 28, 2015

In a dream that I am not in

When I was 10 years old, my friend was selected for his work to be published in a school year book. He chose to write about his ambition. That day, I sat next to him at school, watching him drawing a picture of future himself. A doctor, he said.  I remember it so clearly that I could draw it all by myself if I would today.

I did not know what I wanted to be. Not until I was 16 years old. I was madly in love with Drawing Engineering and I was pretty good at it. I set my mind to be nothing but an architect. But I set it off too far. I wanted to study architect outside the country. So when my application did not get through, I was depressed. I did not even give a chance to any other option. Besides, my mom said 'Tak payah jadi arkitek. Susah cari kerja nanti'. I am most known as the most stubborn among my siblings. But, sometimes, I don't go beyond what my mom ask not to. Its like a curse.

No doubt, when my cousins and friends get to be an architect, I was jealous. And now, not only I am NOT an architect. I'm just a housewife. When soon Irfan get to fill in the form..

Pekerjaan Ibu : Surirumah sepenuh masa

Just what I wrote back then. See, my mom and I, we are just the same. She was different from me in MANY ways. But funny, how we are like - the same, you know, 'profession-wise' LOL. I once asked my mom about her ambition. She didn't want to tell me. Said it was a secret. I wonder why she was being secretive. Was she ashamed? But she don't have to. I would have understand. I am her now. Only, I was not that great of a housewife compared to her. She's an awesome housewife. Me? I'm just growing old, lazy and fat. Ok fine. I'm slim and pretty good looking. Can't help the old part. Leuls.

I want my children to grow knowing what they want to be. AND work hard to get it. So they dont rant like me over and over again 'Sepatutnya aku jadi arkitek'. Babe, forget the sepatutnya. Nah, slap in the face satu! GET OVER!

As a parent, we want the best for our children. But we don't necessarily know whats the best for them. Betul? I think its right. I tried to introduce to my children about the awesomeness of certain profession. Firemen get to drive the cool fire engine. Policemen get to talk over the walkie talkie. Builders get to climb here and there. Engineer. Herm. Forget Engineer lah Irfan. *joke*

Be whatever you want to be. I'm fine with it. Firemen? Cikgu? Doctor? Football player? Ini tidak. Nak jadi ultraman ultraman ultraman! HUH


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Do you still remember

When I put (tried to) the kids to bed just now, I hugged them, kissed them until they pushed my face away, snuggled down in our cozy duvet reading books one after another. One boy tried to close his eyes. He then opened one eye and laughed at me as if I was making a funny face. One girl lay down beside me and rested her head on my shoulder while she gently twisting and playing with my bracelet. This was such a good memory and I would remember it the rest of my life. Would they too? Would they grow up remember all those beautiful nights with me? These questions always made me enjoy bedtimes more than just scream 'OK kids. Lights out! NOW SLEEP!' - which I usually did.

ps: They might remember the screaming part - for sure -_-"

Monday, December 21, 2015

My idea goes ting!

My random thoughts and ideas often hit me when i went for a long walks, cooking, or lying in bed getting ready to sleep. Some are dejavus, some are reminiscent of of memories but most of them are just endless list of to-do.

I have not been in sad mood in a long time. I've learnt to forget things as quickly as possible. But i am also not saying that I'm in my happy element all the time. It just that - nothing to feel about, most of the time. Same old same old.

I miss work. Not that i regret  of leaving it. Neither feel good of leaving it. The accumulation of emotions over these two years, now, it slowly degraded me of who I used to dreamt myself to be. So i said, I have to make my own kpi. Otherwise, I dont grow as a person. Or more, as who i am now. My progress is a bit slow. I do, benchmarked.

Hah. Told ya, Im just a mad women. Today I felt like a loser. Tomorrow when I make curry puff, I felt like an olympic gold medal winner and start to blog on how curry puff change my life as a happy (still mad) women. You'll see.

Good night from London. Sweet dreams.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

New Year Goal

I've commited to 4 new year goals last year and managed to achieve 4 out of 6. Irfan successfully potty trained and dummy-free. His speech improve tremendously thanks to Speech Therapy Programme. Izyan sleeps through the night since she was 12 months. Pretty hard work I must say someone please give me pat on the shoulder :) But I only manage to read 7 out of 10 books and did not manage to sneak out on a date. Sucks but I can live with that.

My next new goals would be:-

1. Take one step further in cooking. All this while I only manage to cook the basic of the basic. I should learn to use more unusual (unusual for me -_-") ingredients such as lengkuas, buah keras, kunyit hidup, etc -- which I will later google image first *cough* I will probably start with laksa penang.

2. Sew baju kurung for me and Izyan (yep, wow me)

3. Potty train Izyan (when did she grow up, tell me?)

4. Teach Irfan to write.

Yep. Throw me the good luck bouquet I need to catch it!

Thursday, December 17, 2015

A letter to 40 year old self

Assalamualaikum Aishah,

How are you? I hope you are in excellence health, considering that you are now 40. I hope you still going strong and in shape. When you write this letter, you just celebrated 31st birthday a few months and 5th year anniversary last few days. You were happy. I hope you are happy now too.

You always look forward to years ahead, thinking excitedly of all good things that will happen. Of course, in reality, sweet things don't last forever. Be strong, babe. You might lose something but think of all the good things happened.

Be grateful of the life you have now and the life that been given previously. To Him you should be thankful. Hows your solat? Your deeds? Please improve if you have not done so. Remember, life is not long away. This letter is simply a reminder to you. You might be given 9 years ahead after you write this letter but you probably wont be given life even for 9 seconds the moment you read this letter. Please remember.

Be kind to family. Be a forgiver. Love them.

Live moderately.

Regards,
31 years old me, Siti Nur Aishah Binti Aleyes
London
9.10 pm