may babies

This year we don't host any birthday party for the kids but they had series of celebration. The first was with my brother in law's family who came visit. The second was Izyan's birthday, which she celebrated at the Stay and Play Session and at home. Then Irfan's birthday, which he celebrated at school and at home as well. Dont ask how much cakes I made and how much we ate. Enough to say that quota cake semua dah habis guna this month so I have to wait for next month pula. Good thing Ramadhan is just around the corner, so I had the chance to sugar diet (hopefully).

My sister and my dad also are celebrating their birthday on 7th and 18th of may respectively. We never had the chance to make a huge may birthday party, yet. And I wish we will get the opportunity soon, InshaAllah.

just (hanya)

Izyan's going to school this September. While waiting for that, I have been giving myself a lot of thoughts about what I want to do, in my life. Since I left my jobs almost 4 years ago, I don't know if I should go back to work in the same field. I've worked for almost 7 years. My job is tough but I love it and I kept going (I could have left) because I have the passion of what I did. I've only quit because I had to prioritise my family. So, yes, I love my job but do I still have the passion? I told my mom about my plan and she told me to take up something that related to my field. She's referring to my engineering field , that I used to work in. But, maybe I'm on the different field now mom. 

Being a housewife for almost 4 years now, honestly, it did bring down my self esteem. I don't know how to describe it but I think thats the word that suit what I felt right now. When I used to work,  people used to ask me about my opinion and my decision and I felt wanted and important. Some comes from miles to get my signature for approval or wait for weeks to set appointment with me. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home too. I mean, yeah sometimes my kids asked if they could play outside and can only go out if I said yes or my husband asked if we should buy the new dishes dryer or asked me to plan for spring holiday or what should everybody wear today for outing. I do feel wanted and important - but only in my own home. Apart from signing on receiving parcel, I signed approval to allow Irfan goes on a school trip to the zoo. When I'm out, I was nobody but - just a housewife. Do I make decisions about the world? Not really although I should write the mayor about the rude bus driver who won't stop even when I pressed the bell. 

Sometimes my husband asked me to meet him for lunch at his university's cafe, I went along dragging my feet like there's some big steel ball chained to it. I felt all eyes on me when I push the buggy and a toddler trotting beside me, like 'who's is this lady with some kids doing in the university?'. Reality is, nobody damn care about me. But I felt like so bad about myself that I was not someone that changing the whole world. I am just a housewife. I hate the word just the housewife. When there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, I felt like I was all wrong in it. So the issue here is not the world nor other housewives but purely just the crazy me. 

So I have to fix that. Very quick. And not let it escalated to something even more danger. Ok that sounds too serious. 

For now, let just hope my plan all. goes. well.

hiatus

I have so many things to write but there's always something coming up and when I'm in front of the computer,  it just went blank. The last time I write was about some weather. And also to update, our trip to Cornwall was cancelled. What happened was, our rental car got hit by someone while it was parked outside. We had to returned it and were so unfortunate that we could not get a replacement because all cars were out since it was bank holiday. It was 7 a.m, we were literally ready to get our ass out from the house, when my husband went down to check the car and was told that the accident happened as 6 a.m. While, my husband went through all the hassle to settle it down i.e returning the car, the insurance, the police statement, I took my in laws to Portobello Market (luckily it was Saturday) and Holland Park. It was a nice outings but secretly, still our heart ached when we thought about the musibah. That night when I read the Quran, I came across such a beautiful ayat (can't remember the Surah but I quickly forwarded it to my husband).

"Setiap bencana yang menimpa di bumi dan yang menimpa dirimu sendiri, semuanya telah tertulis dalam kitab (Lauh Mahfuz) sebelum Kami mewujudkannya. Sungguh, yang demikian itu mudah bagi Allah"

"Agar kamu tidak bersedih hati terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu, dan tidak pula terlaulu gembira terhadap apa jua yang diberikan-Nya kepadamu. Dan Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong dan membangga diri,"

SubhanAllah.

Often I heard (especially from someone's hijrah story), that Allah answered their question when they read Al-Quran. Many times, I read the Quran and trying to flip to random pages to read the translation. I just came across some ayat relating to random events like about Nabi Musa or pemuda al-Kahfi. Or maybe many times across some ayat relating zakat, solat, neraka etc. But its not like, you know, the 'bang!' or 'this-is-it' feeling. Maybe its because when I read it, I don't read it with the right purpose. I read it only because I wanted to read it.

That night, when I read it, I read it because I want to heal my ached heart from that incident so I don't feel sad about everything. And honestly, after that, I feel a bit better about the whole thing.

Thank you Allah.